I never wanted to be the weak one.
And yet here I am.
Everything has come to a head today. I am fatigued. So, so tired. I'm barely sleeping because I'm itching and anxious. The itching and anxiety are directly connected it seems; when I have anxiety, my skin feels like it's burning from the inside out. And unfortunately, that's pretty much been all the time.
People say all the time, "you're so brave. you're so strong. you're so positive."
Honestly, I don't feel that way.
I have yelled at my mom this week more times than I'd care to count. I've cried and cried and cried and cried. I've yelled at God, I've been so angry. I've punched my mattress a few times because I literally do not know how to handle this.
I'm not as positive and great at this as everyone thinks I am. I'm really not.
I'm kind of having a breakdown today. It's been two months of a living hell and I want it to stop.
But it won't stop.
I feel abandoned by God, like He isn't listening. I feel lonely. I feel anxious. I feel fearful and panicked and oh, so tangled up inside.
I feel weak.
So this is me admitting it to the world, to myself, and to God. And this is me asking for help, from God, and whoever is out there who can give me little glimmers of hope to hold onto. Because I know my story's not over yet... but it sure as heck feels like it is.
And I need something--no, I need Someone--to help me carry on.
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
11.18.2012
10.24.2012
Handling Life in the Midst of Chronic Illness
I’m spending the week with one of my closest friends, so I’ll have to ask you to forgive my absence. It’s been a whirlwind already but one of the best times I’ve had in a long while. It’s been amazing and I’m loving it so much.
In the meantime, my fibromyalgia does not let up when I have company—if anything, the symptoms are even more unfortunate when I do have friends over. I’ve already had a splitting headache once, last night, and today I’m feeling very fatigued. I’m on a new medication that has a side effect of sleepiness and dizziness, and those side effects hit especially hard today. Despite this fact, I just got done having immense fun outside with my friend and siblings—doing a photo shoot and making amateur videos. It was great fun, but now I’m beat.
One of the things I’ve been working on is being more open and honest with my friends when I do feel awful, and so far it’s paid off well. It means the world to me to have my friend understand and know that I’m not feeling well. Even if she can’t feel my pain, at least she knows about it, and can help share the burden. It’s a beautiful thing, and honesty really does seem to be the best policy. It never fails to shock me how understanding and supportive people can be if I just tell them what I’m going through.
So here’s a question or two for you: how do you do your best to enjoy life amidst the pain? Have you found that being honest about your pain or symptoms has yielded good results?
10.17.2012
My Thorn :: A Guest Post by Ashley
I don’t talk about it much online, and I really don’t have a true reason, other than, I honestly don’t think about it much anymore.
But, a dear friend (Oh how much more she has gone through) sparked the inspiration to talk about my thorn.
Bursitis is a condition where the padding in your joints (called Bursea) becomes inflamed. It’s pretty painful at times. Thankfully, it isn’t an all the time ache (Thank the Lord) but when it does, it can get pretty crippling. I’m not going to go into much detail over it, except, that when you can’t run, or be terribly active because otherwise, your knees feel like they are about to crumble, and make you fall, you feel....awkward. It’s no fun having to sit out at your brother’s 5K races, and tell everyone “I don’t like running” when, there is nothing you;d like more then being able to try at least once. When all your friends try goading you into running on Thursday nights with them, and you can’t, because you know all to well how your knees will put up with that, it hurts.
I try not talking about it too much, because, the less I talk about it, the less I notice it. I might get my times when I seem to do nothing except complain about the pain (Thank the Lord for a Mum who listens to my sniveling), but I’d rather not have to pain to complain about.
I also get phantom pains in my neck and back (We have no idea why. It just hurts bad enough to make me wish I was bedridden). And I can’t remember when I ever got a normal headache instead of a migraine.
My point is, I hurt a lot. I hurt and don’t notice it. And, sometimes, the pain is comforting, sometimes I use it as a crutch. ’I can’t exercise, If I put to much pressure on my knees, I might push them to hard, and end up sitting in a ball, clutching them and crying’ I’ve thought. It’s true, I have to be careful on how I deal with my knees, I need to be careful to only wear high heels when I HAVE to (Or, when I am prepared to be in serious pain during and afterward. Does anybody realize how BAD heeled shoes are for your knees?!?!) and I have to be careful not to overdo it, but there is nothing keeping me from taking a brisk walk. A 5K, not so much, but a walk isn’t going to kill me.
I’ve wondered about surgery for my knees, but my family changed our diet, and it helps. It hasn’t cured, there is no cure, but it helps. I don’t spend as many nights crying and wishing my legs could just be cut off. And, I’ve learned how to deal with and block out most pain. There have been some times, I’ve taken so many pain meds, I’ve scared my EMT Daddy, but I’m able to block most pain out.
Through it all, I’ve learned a couple things I never would have learned.
One) I can deal with a lot more than I thought I could. I’m a wimp when it comes to pain. Always have been, probably always will. But, when I hurt the most, I always end up thinking, "It’s not so bad. It could be worse" It’s taught me to be a little bit tougher then I was before.
Two) It’s taught me to sympathize. When you are in pain, nothing is more comforting then someone who has ‘been there before’. Sure, comfort from anybody is welcome, but it always means more when someone knows how you feel, I can do that now. Even if I don’t have it as bad as others.
And Three) It’s taught me, strangely, that someone always has it worse then you. I don’t know how, or why I’ve learned this, but it has. I’ve learned that I might hurt, but I never have it the worst. Even when I’m crying and complaining to you, I know this. It IS in fact possible to complain without meaning the complaints. XD
And, of course, it’s taught me simple stuff, like, which Pain reliever my body excepts best, the best way to lay flat on your back, how much neck elevation will give me a killer neck ache come morning, which shoes are best on your knees, and other stuff like that.
Again, I don’t have it as bad as others, I won’t claim to have any great and terrible illness. I know how to sorta control mine, and it can be kept under wraps as long as I eat well, and don’t put any strain on my knees (I don’t know how to control my migraines and neck/back aches...but they don’t hurt all the time anyway). But, each person has their own battle. Just because ours isn’t as big as someone else’s doesn’t mean it still isn’t our own battle and thorn. We each have the weakness of body, and we each have the ability to kick that weakness’ butt.
But, a dear friend (Oh how much more she has gone through) sparked the inspiration to talk about my thorn.
I have Knee Bursitis.
Bursitis is a condition where the padding in your joints (called Bursea) becomes inflamed. It’s pretty painful at times. Thankfully, it isn’t an all the time ache (Thank the Lord) but when it does, it can get pretty crippling. I’m not going to go into much detail over it, except, that when you can’t run, or be terribly active because otherwise, your knees feel like they are about to crumble, and make you fall, you feel....awkward. It’s no fun having to sit out at your brother’s 5K races, and tell everyone “I don’t like running” when, there is nothing you;d like more then being able to try at least once. When all your friends try goading you into running on Thursday nights with them, and you can’t, because you know all to well how your knees will put up with that, it hurts.
I try not talking about it too much, because, the less I talk about it, the less I notice it. I might get my times when I seem to do nothing except complain about the pain (Thank the Lord for a Mum who listens to my sniveling), but I’d rather not have to pain to complain about.
I also get phantom pains in my neck and back (We have no idea why. It just hurts bad enough to make me wish I was bedridden). And I can’t remember when I ever got a normal headache instead of a migraine.
My point is, I hurt a lot. I hurt and don’t notice it. And, sometimes, the pain is comforting, sometimes I use it as a crutch. ’I can’t exercise, If I put to much pressure on my knees, I might push them to hard, and end up sitting in a ball, clutching them and crying’ I’ve thought. It’s true, I have to be careful on how I deal with my knees, I need to be careful to only wear high heels when I HAVE to (Or, when I am prepared to be in serious pain during and afterward. Does anybody realize how BAD heeled shoes are for your knees?!?!) and I have to be careful not to overdo it, but there is nothing keeping me from taking a brisk walk. A 5K, not so much, but a walk isn’t going to kill me.
I’ve wondered about surgery for my knees, but my family changed our diet, and it helps. It hasn’t cured, there is no cure, but it helps. I don’t spend as many nights crying and wishing my legs could just be cut off. And, I’ve learned how to deal with and block out most pain. There have been some times, I’ve taken so many pain meds, I’ve scared my EMT Daddy, but I’m able to block most pain out.
Through it all, I’ve learned a couple things I never would have learned.
One) I can deal with a lot more than I thought I could. I’m a wimp when it comes to pain. Always have been, probably always will. But, when I hurt the most, I always end up thinking, "It’s not so bad. It could be worse" It’s taught me to be a little bit tougher then I was before.
Two) It’s taught me to sympathize. When you are in pain, nothing is more comforting then someone who has ‘been there before’. Sure, comfort from anybody is welcome, but it always means more when someone knows how you feel, I can do that now. Even if I don’t have it as bad as others.
And Three) It’s taught me, strangely, that someone always has it worse then you. I don’t know how, or why I’ve learned this, but it has. I’ve learned that I might hurt, but I never have it the worst. Even when I’m crying and complaining to you, I know this. It IS in fact possible to complain without meaning the complaints. XD
And, of course, it’s taught me simple stuff, like, which Pain reliever my body excepts best, the best way to lay flat on your back, how much neck elevation will give me a killer neck ache come morning, which shoes are best on your knees, and other stuff like that.
Again, I don’t have it as bad as others, I won’t claim to have any great and terrible illness. I know how to sorta control mine, and it can be kept under wraps as long as I eat well, and don’t put any strain on my knees (I don’t know how to control my migraines and neck/back aches...but they don’t hurt all the time anyway). But, each person has their own battle. Just because ours isn’t as big as someone else’s doesn’t mean it still isn’t our own battle and thorn. We each have the weakness of body, and we each have the ability to kick that weakness’ butt.
I might have Bursitis, but I won’t let Bursitis have me.
—
10.16.2012
Welcome to Spill the Beans!
Welcome to Spill the Beans! It isn’t much yet, but I’m working on it.
The purpose of this site is simple: to serve as encouragement and community for teens with chronic pain or other chronic illnesses. I personally have fibromyalgia, so this blog will tend to focus on that more than anything else. However, I don’t want to limit this blog to just fibromyalgia or even just chronic pain. This blog’s focus is that, yes, but let’s face it: having ANY chronic illness when you’re a teenager can be an absolute pain in the butt. I’m here to tell you that you’re not alone, and hopefully you can remind me of that from time to time, too.
And remember… normal is just a setting on your washing machine.
Love,
Sky
The purpose of this site is simple: to serve as encouragement and community for teens with chronic pain or other chronic illnesses. I personally have fibromyalgia, so this blog will tend to focus on that more than anything else. However, I don’t want to limit this blog to just fibromyalgia or even just chronic pain. This blog’s focus is that, yes, but let’s face it: having ANY chronic illness when you’re a teenager can be an absolute pain in the butt. I’m here to tell you that you’re not alone, and hopefully you can remind me of that from time to time, too.
And remember… normal is just a setting on your washing machine.
Love,
Sky
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