Weak

I never wanted to be the weak one.

And yet here I am.

Everything has come to a head today. I am fatigued. So, so tired. I'm barely sleeping because I'm itching and anxious. The itching and anxiety are directly connected it seems; when I have anxiety, my skin feels like it's burning from the inside out. And unfortunately, that's pretty much been all the time.

People say all the time, "you're so brave. you're so strong. you're so positive."

Honestly, I don't feel that way.

I have yelled at my mom this week more times than I'd care to count. I've cried and cried and cried and cried. I've yelled at God, I've been so angry. I've punched my mattress a few times because I literally do not know how to handle this.

I'm not as positive and great at this as everyone thinks I am. I'm really not.

I'm kind of having a breakdown today. It's been two months of a living hell and I want it to stop.

But it won't stop.

I feel abandoned by God, like He isn't listening. I feel lonely. I feel anxious. I feel fearful and panicked and oh, so tangled up inside.

I feel weak.

So this is me admitting it to the world, to myself, and to God. And this is me asking for help, from God, and whoever is out there who can give me little glimmers of hope to hold onto. Because I know my story's not over yet... but it sure as heck feels like it is.

And I need something--no, I need Someone--to help me carry on.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Once again, I apologize for my absence. The irony here is that I’m not feeling up to managing my blog for those with chronic illness… because I’m too busy struggling with my own chronic illness.

The latest update in this saga is a doozy. Yesterday I got hives on my hands. This morning my mom emailed two of my doctors and both of them said to go off of the medication I’ve been on for the past three weeks because they think I’m having an allergic reaction. This medication was supposed to help with my nerve pain, but all it’s done is made things ten times worse.

We’re not quite sure if I am indeed allergic to this, but time will tell. Until then, I’m dealing with even more agony than I thought I could withstand. It’s funny. I keep thinking things can’t get worse, and then they do. I keep wishing I could go back to the way I was back before this yeast overgrowth started, when I dealt with only fibro. Yes, it was pain. Yes, I hated it. But it was ten times better than what I’m going through now.

The symptoms started surfacing about a week or two ago. I started having intense burning sensations, as if my skin was on fire from the inside. It was… to put it bluntly, as close to hell as I’ve ever come. It’s been miserable. As I’ve mentioned, I’ve been dealing with what we think is a yeast overgrowth, so we thought the burning sensation was related to that since I’ve already been itching for the past two months. But then yesterday the hives showed up, like tiny little blisters scattered all across my hands. And we knew something wasn’t right.

In addition to that, the rest of my skin has been breaking out progressively over the past few weeks. When I had my friend out here visiting, my skin seemed like was starting to heal, but since then, more hives have popped up all over my body. I’m constantly accidentally scratching off the scabs and simply put, I look like a mess.

I am going to be very, very blunt. I’m pretty sure this is one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced—both the supposed medication allergy and the yeast overgrowth. I once again feel like I’m taking two steps forward, one step back. And just so you know, I’m completely convinced that everyone in hell has yeast overgrowths.

So now the plan is to gradually decrease the medication. Apparently this medication is an anti-seizure medication so they’re concerned that if I cut it out cold-turkey, I may have a seizure.

Great. And I was putting this stuff into my body?

Every pill I take of this, I feel like I’m just adding more poison to what is already a dire situation. I literally am so overwhelmed by my physical state. I feel like it’s consumed me to the point where I’ve had trouble focusing on anything else.

In the meantime, I’m going to try to take an oatmeal bath and try to hang in there until this medication and the yeast both get the heck out of my system. Whenever that is.